It’s Sunday. The Buffalo Bills are playing at 1:00, and I can watch it on TV in DC for the first time since 2003. So of course, I need to get some Canadian beer.

I took Dirt McGirt to the corner store to buy a 6-pack of Molson with some chips & salsa. I have a ripe avocado in my kitchen, and I want to make some guacamole.

The trip to the store is routine, and I come back to my apartment at exactly 1:00. One problem, though: I have every key but the one to open the front door, which, I remembered, fell off earlier in the day. At the time I thought to myself, “I should really reattach that key before I go out again.” I never did, and now I was locked out of my own building.

Whatever, I thought. Not the first time this has happened. About a month ago my key broke off in the door, and I waited about half an hour for a guy who lived upstairs to leave, and I let myself in.

I sat down on the ledge in front of my building, where there is a small grassy area with a tree for shade. Dirt McGirt promptly located a stick and began digesting it. I waited and waited, and about 5 minutes later, got impatient and opened a Molson. (Thanks Jesus for twist-off beer bottle caps.) Two minutes later, I needed an excuse to wash something out of my mouth with beer, so I opened up the “hint of lime” tortilla chips.

And waited. And waited. For forty-five minutes. During that time I chatted with a man getting into his car about my situation, and a guy from the neighborhood smoked a cigarette near me and played a bit with Dirt.

I got frustrated. The game is on, my beer is getting warm, and I am still stuck outside. My apartment is on the first floor of my building, and the whole time I was sitting underneath my living room window, which is about 4’ off the ground.

I reached up. Moved up the screen. Moved up the window. I grabbed some bricks and stepped on the pile with my left foot. With my other foot I stepped on top of a plastic wire cover running up the side of the building, and then grabbed hold of my window ledge. I pulled myself up, struggling the whole way, and within a couple seconds had half my body in my apartment.

I essentially fell onto my couch, but otherwise I was unharmed. I walked into the hallway and propped open the door so I could get my chips & beer. Dirt, being as excitable as she is, leaped off the ledge and ;landed right behind me, causing me to fall flat on my ass and leaving a sore bruise on my ass.

Anyway. I got into my apartment, but now I realize, so can anyone else. I am torn between closing that window of opportunity for if I’m a dumbass again, and finding a permanent solution to make sure I’m never robbed.

But now I am in, I have my beer, and it’s time to watch the second half of this football game.